Whether you say you can't or you can, you're right.
One year ago today, I sat in this very spot, at this very time, for a phone call that would end my time with the company I had contracted for, planning Disney vacations for eight years. As I sat on the back step of our home, in the crisp autumn morning of this day one year ago, my notions about what the future would look like shifted drastically. In my vision of the future, I was still planning vacations well into old age — not because I had to, but because I wanted to.
Why retire when you can work from home and your job is this much fun, I reasoned? And by then, I would have a lifetime of experience and knowledge to share.
Given all that the pandemic handed us, the call wasn’t a total surprise, but even when you expect something like that, your brain has a hard time accepting it right away. It took seven minutes and sixteen seconds to tie a bow on eight years. It happened so fast. So, when asked “do you have any questions?” My response was “No. Goodbye.”
The version of me that navigated those next few months was disappointed that I hadn’t taken that opportunity to say more. Of course I had questions, I had a few statements that came to mind, too. I was filled with anger, sadness, fear (no, I’m not just listing Inside Out characters), shame, and maybe just the tiniest bit of relief. At least the wondering was over. Now it was time to move forward.
I’d like to tell you that I had some kind of sense that everything would be okay. I absolutely did not. I flailed hard for a bit. And then I started to embrace that flail as a necessary part of the grief I was feeling. It was okay for me to be sad about such a big life change, and it was okay for me not to know what was coming next. That acceptance of the uncertainty bred some sense of equilibrium, which allowed me to be open to new ideas about the future.
And so, about six months after that fated phone call, when my husband said “You need to open your own travel agency,” I met that idea mostly with excitement instead of fear. It was something I had secretly wanted, something I had looked into, something I ultimately dismissed as too difficult — the barrier to entry too high. I said “I can’t,” and I was right.
As it turns out, though, there is a lot of freedom in being deeply humbled and learning to accept yourself in that state. So many people cared for me in that season, so many people listened, questioned, and affirmed. I learned in that time what I like, and that there are things I like about me. When my husband suggested “you can,” I believed, “I CAN!” But I wouldn’t have believed it without that struggle and heartache. That pain was an opportunity for something better to take root.
If today you’ve been told about the things you can’t do, even if you’re saying it to yourself, I hope you’ll take this opportunity to sit with that assessment of your ability. Don’t run from it. Does it ring true? It’s okay if it does, because there are other things which you absolutely can do, and there is power in knowing and accepting yourself as you are right now, even if you’re on a journey to somewhere else.
I learned that day that I am not for everyone, and in the year that followed, I have done the work to accept that. Life on the other side of that realization; the kind of life that doesn’t work to make you smaller so you can fit into other people’s expectations of you, is really freeing.
And so, if a whisper of present-day me could go back to that phone call last year, I know exactly what I would say: “Thank you.”
"All the adversity I’ve had in my life, all the troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me. You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you."
-Walt Disney
